There Will Be No Rest

Lay me down. There will be no rest.
I asked to be a man. I was made a stray dog.
They have taken the pieces that matter.

I Am Not A Man

I am not a man.
I stole a man's skin.
We slept, he slept eyes open, so I crept in.
And I have been living in his skin.
Now I don't know what I am.

The Once Was

The once was athlete feels the change.

His soft body an extension of the scars.

The coil has been cut.

He is un-sprung.

And the tension ill-used.

I Stole Your Story

I am a writer, a poet, a thief.

I stole your story and told it to you.

Comedy

Poets are the black comedians of the soul.

Indifference

Indifferent, like a black cat crossing the road slowly at night.

Kroger Home Sense Elegant Plastic Spoons Packaging Redacted

Everything together. Your collection is here to help you.

Kirk's Original Coco Castile Packaging Redacted

Handfuls of skin left beautifully by the sink.

When I Die, Three Ledgers

When I die,
there will be the good that I did,
and the bad that I did,
and the words that I wrote.

In the Fist of the Maze

I come out sweaty and dazed.
I haven't seen daylight for days.
I've been crawling blind through flesh folds
in the fist of the maze.

Dilated

I can't breathe

Time to leave.

I can feel my heart beat down the seam of my sleeve. 

The more I think, I'm thinking I'm sinking, I'm sunk.

Am I drinking or drunk? I can't tell anymore.

I walk out the door, into a warm night

and streets flowing full of red lights.

Like blood spitting quixotically through dilated arteries.

Poem by Graham Isaac Redacted

Poem & Photo by Graham Isaac, Redacted by Arlo Jacob Smith

In the story he killed the family bore. For two years there was a parade. A world away he thinks his mother worries. Survive Seattle on cigarettes and beer. A clumsy cowboy reaches hands in pockets, afraid.

Hercule Poirot

Agatha Christie killed Hercule Poirot. His death song was locked in a safe during the blitz to be published if she did not survive. The man she described as "a detestable, bombastic, tiresome, egocentric little creep" would not outlive her. In 1975, with Christie's health and mind failing, "The Curtain" fell ignobly on Poirot. In the novel he takes his own life, after committing murder. The image of the incomparably punctilious detective was forever stained. 

C & H Pure Cane Sugar Confectioners Powdered Packaging Redacted

Scraping thinner a little at a time this milk sour minute.

Equaline Miconazole 7 Packaging Redacted

You may be human. Stop and ask.

Momentum

I have stumbled.
I am slowly slowing down.
Dripping fat like buttered bread.
Cooling, stale, dry and embittered.

I have stumbled.
I am slowly wearing down.
Stretching thin like spent elastic.
Formless, I fail to snap back.

Comfortable Privilege

Thinking about Ferguson from comfortable privilege. How do you make a death meaningful? A deep racial divide cuts across this nation and we all bare the scar. It is the way we are most connected. 

Empty Headed

I saw a movie last night about a people in ancient China whose artists spent years constructing elaborate statues of bronze, only to decapitate them as a gift to the gods. Sometimes I feel blood boiling and muscles coiling, my head is light and empty. I am waiting for the mold to be made and the bronze to be poured.

Marie

My sister's baby was born half size and deaf to her own cries, and I did mean to criticize, she wasn't getting proper care.

My sister didn't eat and the baby didn't drink.

Living in a hotel room that barely had a sink.

I didn't know what to think,  

with beauty stripped naked on the floor,

and she could still be there.

Barely breathing through cigarette air

in Carson City, the capitol of capitalism.

Where fat old men inquire into good fortunes 

and ailing wives in casino bathrooms. 

Where desperation rests heavy and sick sweet on conditioned air. 

If it has anything to do with winning you won't find it here.

y = a(1-r) to the power of x

This morning I awoke to look through myself in the mirror. This new symptom of my singular condition, although long theorized by better mathematicians than myself and manifesting on schedule, terrifies me. How could it not? As I type this now I find it difficult to impart the necessary force to depress the keys. I am with increasing frequency disintegrating. These are the last words of a man fading from existence. I will then attempt to be brief, in the hope that I may convey the core of my life's experience with these few words in the few moments I have remaining.
At the age of ten it first became evident that something was wrong with me. While I appeared outwardly healthy and continued to grow in size, I was in fact decreasing in mass. My volume remained constant and my density was stretched beyond the limits of understanding. A neighboring mathematician and close family friend, acting on a hunch that he would later call insane, began measuring me daily. Over time a pattern emerged and his most outrageous fears were confirmed, I was decaying exponentially.
He told me I was living half-lives and a time would come when there would be nothing left to halve. He then taught me the math, carefully and kindly illustrating the simple formula and function that would define my life. First I learned Archimedes' formula:

density = mass/volume

When I understood the formula and its components he patiently explained the function for exponential decay.

y = a(1-r)x

[Where a is the amount before decay begins (my initial density), r is the rate of decay (1/2) and x is the number of intervals (my half-lives).]

My decline continues to progress rapidly, but the rate of change will decrease over time as there is less and less to halve. A ghost of me may outlive you all. But that ghost's density will be so insignificant that it will not be able to interact with the physical world. In fact, it is likely that it will fall through the earth, a victim of gravity, to further reduce within its core.
I spent a life alone with mathematics. Feeding my diminishing whole with numbers; frantically searching for a different solution. And having failed to disprove the irrefutable, I now regret those years in the narrow halls of academia. The ghost that I will become will have nothing but time to remember, and very few memories.
Beyond the psychological, my condition cause some discomfort, but little pain. And even as I continue to fade, a strange calm pervades. We are not to know our future. The curve of my life was graphed and anticipated. With all my ability I could not alter it. Now that there is nothing more I can do, my mind is free to wander without the oppressive need for haste. I go willingly into the theoretical void. I am awake. At first, and at last.

Steven

I hadn't seen Steven since Bill's Off Broadway closed for renovations a few months back. There he had played the pool table almost nightly, drinking “coast to coasts”, an inexplicably named off menu special, consisting of a shot of bottom shelf bourbon (from Kentucky) and a tall-can of Busch (brewed in similarly landlocked Minnesota). Steven and I never spoke more than the few words that were necessary to facilitate a proper pool game. Which, barring the uncommon eight-ball scratch, he easily won with a poised and practiced drunkenness, which at times bordered on buffoonery.
We were outside Clever Dunne's, an Irish bar not far from Bill's that blessed by proximity was serving as temporary respite for its hard drinking refugees. Walking up Olive I had stopped to say hello to Greg, a large young black man, whose voice and mannerisms seemed gentled by the reactions he saw in others to his size (and occasionally) his race. He moved with a slow methodical purpose that belied his early twenty-something age. This, and a simple earnestness made him quite likeable. We smiled and greeted as people who drink together, but know little of each other do. He was smoking a spliff with Steven and I joined them. Steven, in contrast to Greg was much older, on the short side of average and white. He was loud and gesticulated, often and with wild fervor; only still and calm the second before he shot a pool ball and the moment after. The spliff dwindled and Greg went inside, leaving Steven and myself. Steven grew uncharacteristically quiet. I looked over the man. He wore, as always, white dungarees splattered with numerous paints, a black leather jacket, at least twenty years out of fashion, and open at the front exposing a Cosby sweater with zigzagging vertical stripes. His short cropped white hair stood straight up above a round face, featuring a round nose reddened by broken capillaries. He pulled a pouch of tobacco from his jacket pocket and leaned towards me, rolling a pregnant cigarette as he spoke intimately, stale beer smell permeated his gruff speech.
“What's your name again?”
Not for the first time, I reintroduced myself, “Arlo”
“You know Harlo,” I wasn't going to correct him, he would forget it before we met again. “I'm not even supposed to be here.”
Thinking that he meant he ought to have been at the defunct Bill's, I said as much, thumbed a camel out its pack and placed it between my lips. He shook his head, and lit his cigarette then mine. The lighter looked small in his large hands, which I surmised had grown slowly around paintbrush and roller handles.
“I'm fifty-two years old.” He looked older. “And I was not brought into this world with love. My dad raped my mom.” His voice rising, “I shouldn't be HERE,” he gestured with both hands wide, to make clear that “here”, meant everywhere. I had no response to this and did not think he wanted one of me, so I smoked, and he smoked and then he went on, “I got them together in the same room 30 years ago, today. And I told them they needed to talk, that I needed them to talk, so I could move on. My brother and sister said it could never be done, 'don't even try it,' they said. But there they were, big Harold,” he raised a hand above his head, and lowered it, “And little Marie, ninety pounds dripping wet, both there in the living room. And they talked. To make a long story short...” A common refrain of his, bordering on apology.
“My dad said he was drunk and he was sorry.” He re-lit his cigarette. “My mom said that if it wasn't for me, she would have killed him. I shouldn't be here.”
Over the next half-hour, before Greg leaned out the open window to tell him he was up on the pool table Steve told me his whole life in small discontinuous segments. He told me about growing up on Air Force bases in Puerto Rico, Oklahoma, and Spokane. About his brother's death of lung cancer. (He is terrified of cancer, he knows the medical names of most common forms.) He told me of his sister, 26 years his senior, and her niece, older than him as well. Of his mother's three marriages to Air Force men. And her fourth and final to the cook who stayed. He told me of his only son, and his six grandchildren who live in Florida. Of his halcyon days hitchhiking across the country in buckskin and fringe in early '70s.
He told me lies, but mostly truths. And he told it to a stranger. He told it because I was a stranger. He didn't want advice or conciliatory words, he just wanted to be heard. To confess all to someone with no vested interest, and then walk away lighter.

Impromptu Haiku

impromptu haiku
seven syllables this line
weather reference

y = a(1 - r) to the power of x [part four/conclusion]

My condition causes some discomfort but little pain. And even as I continue to fade, a strange calm pervades. We are not meant to know our future. The curve of my life was graphed and anticipated. With all my ability I could not change that curve. Now, that there is nothing more I can do, my mind is free to wander without the oppressive need for haste. I look out my window, the sun struggles with clouds. For the first time I really see it.

y = a(1 - r) to the power of x [part three]

I spent a life alone with mathematics. Feeding my diminishing whole with numbers; frantically searching for a different solution. And having failed to disprove the irrefutable, I now regret those years in the narrow halls of academia. The ghost that I am becoming will have nothing but time to remember, and very few memories. 
[To be concluded tomorrow.]

y = a(1 - r) to the power of x [part two]

He told me I was living half-lives and a time would come when there would be nothing left to halve. He then taught me the simple function that would define my life.

y = a(1-r)^x

[Where a is the initial amount before decay began (my whole self), r is the rate of my decay (1/2), and x is the number of intervals (my half-lives).] 
My decline continues rapidly, but the rate of change will decrease over time, as there is less and less to halve. A ghost of me may outlive you all. But that ghost's mass will be so insignificant it will not be able to interact with the physical world. In fact, it is likely that it will fall through the earth to further reduce within its core.
[To be continued tomorrow.]

y = a(1 - r) to the power of x [part one]

This morning I awoke to look through myself in the mirror. This new symptom of my singular condition, although long theorized and manifesting on schedule, terrifies me. How could it not? As I type this now I find it difficult to impart the necessary force to depress the keys. I am with increasing frequency disintegrating. These are the last words of a man fading from existence. I will then attempt to be brief, so that I may convey a lifetime of experience in the few moments I have left. 
At the age of fifteen it first became evident that something was terribly wrong with me. While I appeared outwardly healthy and continued to grow in size, I was in fact decreasing in mass. A neighboring mathematician and close family friend, acting on a hunch he would later call insane, began measuring me daily. Over time a pattern emerged and his most outrageous fears were confirmed, I was decaying exponentially.
[To be continued tomorrow.]

Up & Up Tampon Packaging Redacted

Adjust and fit to the required standard. 

The risk increases. 

The risk meets your needs. 

Death at good prices.

Rot Sweet

Let us rot sweet like botrytis grapes.
Let us lie in the grass like snakes and awake like lions.
Let us bottle.
Let us fester.
Let us explode.
Let us remember everything that we forgot.
Let us learn nothing.
Let us learn it together.  

Gold Medal All-Purpose "Better Bread" Flour Packaging Redacted

His exhibition over. The difference counted. Electric and hollow. All purpose measuring and level with a knife. 

I have two hands.

I have two hands. They can make two fists.

When I am scared or nervous I can feel them clench.

Earliest Memory

In my earliest memory I awake in the dark, scared, cold and alone. I climb from my crib and fall over the side. I do not cry then; I expected to fall. I am going to find my parents and the safety and warmth they represent. I climb the first stairs and the landing. I climb the second stairs, but at the last step I trip and fall abruptly forward onto the floor. I cry then; I did not expect to fall. 

I relive this memory as a dream. The dream is always the same, but I am older. I awake in the dark, scared, cold and alone. I get out of bed and climb stairs to a warm, safe place and at the last step, I stumble.

Day Dreaming

Some people have fantasy lives. I have fantasy deaths. My favorite: I am eighty (somehow) and in my rotunda library. There is an earthquake and I am crushed by well loved books. 

Icy/Hot Patch Packaging Redacted

Opening hot, easy. Simple muscle strains for contact. Eyes and skin swallowed right away. Firmly grasping. Both gently pulling until carefully exposed. Once exposed, completely one.

Johnson & Johnson Hurt Free Wrap Packaging Redacted

Hurt firmly, too tightly secures. Soft and cushioning, hurt is comfortable elastic that conforms. 

Writer's Block

The absence of inspiration is the absence of god. 
I know no other way to worship than to observe beauty and its decay.

La Charme Eyelashes Packaging Redacted

Beautiful European flesh. Hand-trimmed, soft, flexible, and easy. To apply: 1. Peel from plastic gently. 2. Apply adhesive along flesh from end to end. 3. Contour with hands. Press gently along the length until adhesive has dried. To remove: 1. Take hold of outer corner and gently peel away. 2. Remove fragments of adhesive from flesh and remount on plastic insert to preserve the shape until next wearing. 

From Zeno to Hero

The paradox of infinite halves keeps your lips from mine?

Carson City

Where fat old men inquire into good fortunes and ailing wives in casino bathrooms. 

Where desperation and smoke rest heavy and sick sweet on the air.

Where the desert fails. 

Where money is a lullaby.

Pinus Longaeva Haiku

Older than man's god.
Still, in the heat and the cold,
The Methuselah. 

Half Lives

I have been living half lives. And with increasing frequency I am disintegrating. The condition was discovered at an early age. And I have grown with and against it. There is a formula which describes the rate of my exponential decay. And I am not a mathematician, but I have been told that the day will come when there is nothing left to halve.

Beer Enema

The journey of beer can start where it ends.

Instead of blood in your stool, your colon gets cleansed.

The end.

Growth

I will extract the offending flesh and bottle it in a formalin solution where it can be safely studied behind glass. I will place it on the shelf. I will note its shape. I will note its size. I will record everything about it in a book; close the book and put it on the shelf. 

Bad Mirror

I get lost in the long nights. Just me a pen and the city lights. My art has always been more honest than my life, and there are times when I don’t want to read what I write. So I drink until I can't hold a pen.

The Queen

The Queen of homeless queers surveys her queendom on the corner of Genesee and Rainier.
She has seen a lot of demons, but believes in angels she can't see. She can feel them on the air.

Breath. Blood. Broken.

Breath. Breath mixes with cigarette and rises from wet 
to cut the light that's left on a cold Autumn eve. 

Blood. Blood spits quixotically through the city's dilated arteries, 
coagulating where the wounded breathe. 

Broken. Broken minds laid open in the street like ants under 
feet their numbers make them mean less.

Horse Limerick

There once was a man from Enumclaw,
who liked his horse penis raw.
So he hopped a fence, but the horse was immense,
and now he's a corpse in the straw.

Waitress

She said there's bourbon in your coffee.

I said I don't know why it's there.

She said do you drink a lot.

I said I don't know why I'm here.
She smiled and asked if I was done with my eggs.